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Avatar: The Last Airbender RPG

420 years after the fall of Ozai, decades of tranquility have brought about an era where peace is no longer only a mere philosophical abstraction. However beyond the grasp of the Four Nations, a long lost legacy resurfaces.
 
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 Shina Nakamura (Fire bender, Three tailed Jinchuuriki)

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Kingsly
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PostSubject: Shina Nakamura (Fire bender, Three tailed Jinchuuriki)   Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:52 am

|BASICS|
Name: Shina Nakamura
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Race: Human
Birthplace: Fire nation
Current Residence: Mobile
Bender or Non-Bender: Bender,
Rank: 3-Tails Jinchuuriki
Occupation: Hunting and fishing, mercenary for hire. She mostly just does this until she finds something she can really get into.
Element: Fire, Water (Bijuu),


|Boat|
Name: Sparrowkeet
Appearance:
The Sparrowkeet is a smaller vessel only able to fit around six people for a somewhat short trip, or one or two people on a rather long journey. Along with it's size the Sparrowkeet has a design meant for long travel and storage more so then comfort, it is not particularly fast but it is generally enough to get from place to place in an acceptable time.
History: Shina bought the boat after a lot of work with a variety of people. Doing random jobs, fishing, hunting, helping blacksmiths, and taking part in competitive fighting, bending or otherwise. Since then she's used it to travel wherever she thinks she needs to go, sometimes using her water bending to move the boat along if the wind is not strong enough.


|WEAPONS|
Name: Tenma
Picture:
Brief History: Because Shina was originally not the greatest bender, she'd asked the blacksmith the family most often went to to teach her how to forge a blade. He did his best, and while she did create one, it was not on par with a professionals. Though it began sharp, the blades sturdiness was where it's failure was. It was too easy to dull, and she knew if it was used to much it would eventually break. This is why she usually just keeps it for sentimental value, but ready just in case.

|OPTIONAL|
Birthday: April 25'th
Hobbies:
Fishing
Hunting
Whittling
Competitive sparring/bending
Swimming


Quirks:
Shina regularly talks to herself.
Shina often plays with bending to amuse herself or show tricks to children.
Family:
Father: Ukilan Nakamura
Some distant cousins.
Character Theme: Thesecession: Fighting music - Burn it all

|APPEARANCE|
Height: 5'2"


|CHARACTERISTICS|
Personality:
Shina is a fighter at heart and has a desire to become a well known warrior. She's quick to accept the chance to fight and will probably enjoy it all the way through. Her competitive spirit sometimes gets a bit too far however, if someone says they're better then her it's not a surprise for her to try and challenge them. Shina can also be a bit protective of things or people that are important to her, what friends she may have, her sword, the blacksmith from her family, good examples of things she'd try hard to keep.

Shina can be extremely determined, and with that determination, which she usually used to learn. It was the only reason she was able to learn the of firebending or how to forge her sword, and was a big reason for many of her accomplishments. If she sets herself on a goal, she likely won't stop until she gets it.

Shina can also be rather playful about her fighting, probably because she enjoys it, winning or losing she will usually find someway to make a joke out of it. This comes from having been mocked as a child for her skill, if she's losing she does it too cope, if winning she does it to lighten up the situation.

Personal Strengths:
High tolerance for pain and work
Competitive spirit (sometimes too much)
Likes turning insults about her into jokes
Usually won't go through with a job if she see's it as truly bad morally.

Personal Weaknesses:
If someone's threatening something she loves or a persons life, she may not always think through her actions.
Overly competitive spirit, she can go a bit too far sometimes to come out on top.
Can get extremely irritated by people who abuse their power

Hamartia:
If she loses something important to her, she can easily go into a rage attacking anyone who might be involved.
Personal Hero: Avatar Kyoshi, because of her status as both warrior and avatar she considers Kyoshi essntually what she could only hope to become.
Dreams and Ambitions: Too eventually get the chance to do something important.

Likes:
Jokes
Fighting
Magic tricks
Children with awe


Dislikes:
Insensitive people
Mockery
Having to do nothing for long periods of time
When people don't believe someone just because they're young



Brief History:
Shina was born to a family of fire benders. People who for generations had known the art of bending. She had two older siblings by a few years, twins, good at fire bending and angels in front of their parents. But once alone, they would cruelly taunt her into fighting with them. And every time she'd lose. She was much much too young to actually start being taught. But not so young that she didn't feel betrayed by her own siblings.

And this turmoil in her, got the attention of something worse. The three tailed Bujii. It came to her while it was nighttime, drawing her outside and far from her home. Until it was finally able to get in, it filled the child with fear as it did so, fear and fury as the Bujii rampaged in the forest, destroying trees and the very ground itself as water was forced around and she trampled around crushing whatever got in her way. Once it subsided she looked at the destruction that had occurred and tried to run home. But she'd forgotten the way back, and was only found the next day in the nearby settlement by a friend of the family.

As would any child, she told them about what happened. But she was met with disbelief. Told it was just a dream and that she had just wondered into the forest. She was convinced it was real for awhile, that that strange creature that drew her to the forest really did exist. But she would eventually forget about it. The twins, however, did not. If they really wanted to get on her nerves they'd taunt her with it, mock the child about the situation often imitating what they assumed she did dramatically.

She learned to try and deal with it, she'd find some occasional poor phrasing to turn on them, or just walk along and appear to ignore them. When she was with the blacksmith was the only real time she got a reprieve, the kind old man was also the only one who wouldn't treat her as being stupid if she couldn't learn a technique right off the bat. It was from him that she learned most of her bending techniques, which only later would she add to her style. It was also with him that she learned how to forge, being irritated by the fact that she was still far from her sibling skill with bending, she decided she'd rather focus on physical combat. So he taught her how to make one of her own.

But all good things come to an end. One day she'd heard he had been injured by falling coals, she came quickly to find out what happened. He'd survive and get better, but he wouldn't be around for awhile. As she returned she found two mischievously grinning faces, she wasn't sure why that was what did it. But she needed someone to blame for why she wouldn't get to visit him. And that just convinced her it was their fault, whether or not it truly was. The Bujii took it's chance. It was released, it didn't kill everything, no, but the twins were gone for good. Drowned as water ripped over them. The land, houses, crops, foresting, destroyed as the creature let loose. It stopped mostly when Shina saw their bodies washed around. So she ran, she couldn't show her face here again, she wasn't sure just how much damage she had really done. But she didn't want to know either. Fear filled her as she understood it was real, this was real. No dream, no hallucination, no imagination of a young child. Reality.

She knew she needed to learn what this thing was and how to control it. If she didn't then there was no chance of having any real life, just hoping that the creature would never come out again and cause real harm.

During her self exile, she began her search of the what this creature was. And also began realizing her water bending, she knew it had to belong to the creature inside her, but if she had to have it there, then she might as well make use of what it had. So she began working on that as well.


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Last edited by Kingsly on Tue Jan 30, 2018 10:01 pm; edited 11 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Shina Nakamura (Fire bender, Three tailed Jinchuuriki)   Tue Jan 30, 2018 3:26 pm

Quote :
Selling/trading fish and meat

I am assuming this makes her a hunter/fisher?  Please specify.

Quote :
or possible combative or difficult jobs people may bring up.

So is also a mercenary for hire?

Quote :
Water (Bujii)

Small, minor thing...not that important but it's spelled Bijuu.

Quote :
vapor bending (combined bending)

I specifically remember telling you this had to be learned and mastered from the current and only Vapour Bending Master, Loola's Yami Sentoki.   An age limit no longer applies to Fusion Elements with the implementation of the Mastery System, but a Mastery topic is still required.  Furthermore, I get the understand from your character application that Shina is not that good of a Fire Bender and hasn't ever really learned to Water Bend.  If she is terrible at both, how has she mastered Vapour Bendindg?  You need a master to help you master both elements.

Quote :
with a larger and sturdier sail then typical in order to allow it to reach greater lengths at sea.

Issue.  If you put a larger sail on a regular fishing boat, you run the risk of being ENTIRELY at the mercy of the winds.  In stronger winds, you'll find your ship being pushed around like a fly, or possibly--even worse--capsized by the strong gusts of wind into the abnormally large--thus heavier--sail.  The sail should be proportionate.  The larger sail doesn't make a ship go faster, it just allows it to catch more wind.  The strength of the wind blowing, combined with the weight of the ship, affects the speed.  Furthermore, it should be noted that--though it's not mentioned anywhere here in the app--this boat, being a fishing boat, would not be fit for intercontinental/cross-seas journeys.  Because of size, capacity, and ability to store food and water on the ship, you'd be more of a single continent ship, meant for going from coastline to coastline of the same continent or country.

Quote :
Because Shina was originally not the greatest bender, she'd watched blacksmiths work on weapons and asked them questions until she was able to imitate them in making her own katana. While sufficient most of the time, it is certainly far from equal to those of real professionals.

Okay so...She's not the best bender.  I again bring up my point.  How in the world did she master Water and Fire Bending?  Let alone learn Vapour Bending.  Bijuu don't make you god.  Skill still needs to go into it.  Also, does her inability to match the skills of a real blacksmith affect her sword's integrity in any way?  Does it chip easier?  Scratch easier?  Does it bend easier?  Need to be repaired more?

Quote :
protective of things or people that are important to her

Two questions.  What do you mean by things?  Her boat?  Her panties?  Her acrylic nails?  Please specify what you mean by things.  Also, what people are currently close to her?  Unless I misread, she is currently an orphan with no family or friends?  The children I suppose count.  But how is she close with them aside from being a street busker?

Quote :
If someone gains her trust, she's likely to continue trusting them for awhile, but if they betray that trust, she'll feel very hurt.

I don't know that I'd call that specific to Shina.  This is a very human trait which...I don't see how to plays into her character as a whole.

Quote :
Shina's is actually very clever

Shina's what is clever?

Quote :
Be that by finding out that to take them out she needs to use a lot of force, or that she needs to disarm them first before actually taking them down.

To say nothing of the confusing grammar...those are some of the worst, if not most basic uses of strategy in combat.  You're saying her two options are beat the ever living shit out of everyone, or disarm them?  Which, is not always possible, and also incredibly predictable.

Quote :
She uses this talent for other things as well, such as whittling and magic tricks.

The magic trick mention is a touch redundant.  Also, beating the shit out of people vs. disarming isn't really a talent.  It's the basics of combat.  I also fail to see how either of these two lead to the conclusion of her being cunning.  Or how cunning leans itself to whittling.  Magic tricks I can see, but that's more slight of hand and social engineering.

Quote :
Likes turning insults about her into jokes
Usually won't go through with a job if she see's it as truly bad morally.

Quote :
Can get extremely irritated by people who abuse their power

How do these two quotes play into the character?  Where do they come from?

Quote :
Likes:
Jokes
Fighting
The sea
Magic tricks
People who don't take her competitive spirit personally

Dislikes:
Insensitive people
When she loses a fight or fails
Having to do nothing for long periods of time
Anyone being hungry
Overbearing people

See above criticism.

Quote :
Although unbeknownst to them, there was a thing ready to take advantage of what she would be running into in her life. The three tailed Jinchuuriki.

Why did the Bijuu choose her over hundreds of others?  Also, please be consistent.  Bijuu is the beast itself.  Jinchuriki is the person whom the beast is sealed within.

Quote :
At the start her bending was far from what they considered necessary. And despite her fighting spirit, she could rarely outbend them. However, she eventually realized to use bending one had to do more then just the element itself. She started learning  a lot more physical combative methods, and along with that, she eventually began to figure out her bending, slowly at first, but it was moving along nevertheless.

Hoo boy...where do I begin here.  What do you mean by "necessary"?  She's a child, also, how is she supposed to match skilled, masterful adults?  Also, yeah, bending is a hell of a lot more than "just element stuff."  Bending IS a fighting style.  It IS a martial art.  You have to learn fighting forms to be able to bend properly.  It's not just twinkle your nose and the rocks move.

Also who taught her?  Expand on this please.

Quote :
However, it was also at this time that the three tailed Jinchuuriki decided to make its move. She was challenged by an unknowing family member who decided he was irritated by her growing ability. He did in fact defeat her, but not so much out of skill, but more sheerly still being a good deal more experienced then the determined child. With the pained anger about her failure, the Jinchuuriki took its chance to escape, and she annihilated him. When people started trying to stop her, her fury swelled and the Bijuu reached it's second form. Until those present, those who challenged her skill and mocked her, were gone. Of her immediate family, only her father hadn't been present during the incident. In something between a fear of being discovered, and a sort of self punishment, she left. A sort of self exile from whoever of her family was left.

...Sigh.  If he defeated her based on more experience, he did in fact, have more skill.  So it was a matter of skill.  Also why is he fighting a child?  What about fighting and beating an unexperienced child brings honour and knowledge to someone trying to increase their skill?

Also please go more into her family.  Bring in more specifics.  The lack of detail and care is starting to throw off the story telling here.

Discuss more about WHY the Bijuu chose to break out and take its moment.  Also, how did a kid reach second forum Bijuu?  What stopped her?  How did a kid manage to fend of an ancient demon of creation?

Why wasn't her father present?  Also as the only named member of her family, he appears literally once in this history.  Is he absentee?  Is he around?  What importance does he play in her life?  Why didn't he come after her to look for her when she left?  Why did he try protecting her more?

Also, a Bijuu's whole point is rampage, destroy their host by taking over their body, and causing as much destruction as possible.  What stopped her rampage?  It wouldn't have magically ended on its own.

Also, if she is young, and inexperienced compared to these skilled people?  Why is her "skill" being mocked?  WHY is she even mocked at all to begin with?  And if she's surrounded by skill why did literally no one train her.

Quote :
In the following years Shina learned much, about the Bijuu, about fighting and bending, and about the world. She worked to subdue the thing and overcome as she would try with all challenges, but at the same time, she found it's company, and it's powers to make an interesting companion. Coming to both accept it, but too never forget that it was because of this creature she lost and left her family. She did remember that she wasn't all that fond of them, but it was nevertheless a terrible thing that happened, something that she would always remember to not allow.

Put the awful grammar aside for a moment. Where did she learn about a Bijuu that absolutely no one in the Physical World has knowledge about? How did she subdue and overcome what is essentially an Eldritch God? How did she form a friendship with it? How did she learn to talk with it and become friends with it?

Also, where in this timeline did she learn to hunt. To fish. To be an amateur blacksmith. Where did she learn to fight from. And bend. None of that is explained. How did she get her boat? Why hunting and fishing?

Also, at what ages are these events all happening at?

Furthermore, why is everything so inconsistent? And why is this application as a whole so redundant and repetitive?

It's the same few concepts repeated over and over again in different ways.

Also, who masters a Bijuu by twenty? That is fairly young all things considered. No help? No one with knowledge? And she just...magically did it on her own?

Also nowhere in your history did you mention where the Vapour Bending came from, though I've already made mention of that above.

In conclusion. This character isn't irredeemable. But it is far, far away from being anything close to an acceptable Plot-Level character, and what I expect out of people who make those. The character is five or six basic concepts and ideas just repeated in different ways. Nothing is coherent, nothing makes sense. There is no flow. Things are added in and tacked on without and reason being given for why there are there or how they came to be.

I won't lie, the character is a bit of a mess because of it.

Start by making the corrections I prescribed, and I will continue to mull over from there whether or not you are ready for a Jinchuriki.

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Shina Nakamura (Fire bender, Three tailed Jinchuuriki)
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